I say "almost gay" because I dont have a desire to have sex with men. It doesnt turn me on. I could never kiss another guy, date another guy,marry another guy (legal now in some areas). I do find certain guys quite attractive, but thats about where it ends.
Hmmmm....Dude, I think it is not an issue of you being "almost gay", I think it is an issue of not knowing how to put what your thoughts are on being gay into proper perspective given your republican, conservative, christian stance.
I will tell you right now, and I want you to really, really understand this point....if you don't want to do any of those things in that list in the quote box above, YOU ARE NOT GAY. At least, not in the sense that you need to ever give it a second thought. Hell, I think many guys are attractive, and I am not gay and there is no doubt in my mind. I am also not a republican, conservative, christian like you are though, so I don't hate gays like those groups do and I don't feel bad about thinking "Hey, that guy has a cute ass". Because that thought is not followed up with how do I get in his pants?, it is followed up with, "If I was a girl, I'd go after that." News flash, ALL guys think some guys are attractive. ALL guys.
The very straight comedian Ron White even has a routine about it proving that we are all, as he calls it "a little gay". He uses his routine to show how homo-phobia is silly, but the concept applies here as well.
The routine basically goes (this is not word-for-word, but is from memory here):
Ron: "I have a homo-phobic friend that I told I could prove to him that every guy is at least a little gay.
Naw says my friend'.
Ron: Sure I can prove it. You like watchin' porn don't yah?
Friend: 'Sure I do Ron. I like watchin' a man make love to a woman'
Ron: You like them guys to have a small, flacid penis?
Naw' I like it to be hard and throbbin'........Ah.......oh....
Ron: See, yer a little gay
I am using that comedy routine to try to tell you that all members of both sexes think some members of the same sex are attractive. The most flaming on fire gay who can sing and dance every show tune will think some woman are hot. The most macho, car mechanic who gets oily all day long and drinks Bud will ocassionally think somebody else in the garage is nice looking. That doesn't mean either one of them is bi-sexual. They just appreciate the beauty that is the human form. The problem is when you put onto that your right-wing view of politics and religion. Those things tell you that you are broken some how. You aren't. You are normal. Again, if what you have told us here is accurate, YOU ARE NOT GAY. Just accept that some guys look good to you. You don't want to bang them....So big freaking deal.
Now, as to wanting a girlfriend that you can put a huge check list up to and tick off her "good" features so that she is up to snuff for you....You are in for a damn big shock my friend. People aren't made up of component parts that you get to approve of. You get the whole package. You will have to relax you unrealistic standards of finding the uber-christian woman you seem to want. If I knew that my signifiacnt other had a check list and that....weeeelll, I just made the cut, I would be outta there before you can say "almost gay".
Most important, you do not need another person in your life until you can complete yourself. Until you are emotionally stable and can put your relationship with Amanda in its place. It is over between you two. When you can pull back on your feelings for her until that emotional expenditure becomes a surplus that heals you, then you can send out the love again to someone new. If you insist that you will always love her as you do now, you are being naive. You might always think of her fondly, but dude, let her go. For both your sakes. Until you let her go, you don't deserve to have a girlfriend because that ain't right to do that to the new girl.